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"The Rising Price of Love"

 

Children may be happier for Parents to Quarrel

Dr Patrick Dixon

 

Constant fighting between parents had less adverse effects than parental separation, the end result on children was closer to that in "happy" families.

 

These are very serious findings which demand an urgent rethink about long term commitment in relationships before people get pregnant and have children. Dr Tripp is very clear that neither poverty nor conflict had caused the damage: It was the loss of a parent:

 

"What parents don't realise is that while they may have problems with each other, the children often have good relationships with both parents - and they lose that when the family breaks up. In addition the separation often did not end the conflict." In some cases the conflict was made worse because children were drawn into it for the first time.

 

Three out of four non-custodial parents said after putting their children through all this they now wished they had never divorced.

We need to get this message through to every family where parents are in difficulties. Separation is likely to significantly damage your children and looking back you may regret what you have done and wish you had tried a little harder to work it out, especially when you wake up to realise the price your children have paid.

 

Although the Exeter study made big headlines in the UK, another lesser known British study of 111 families in Edinburgh by Dr Ann Mitchell found similar things almost a decade earlier. She also found children prefer parents to stay together, even if they argue and fight. Her work was based on interviews of teenagers and their custodial parents five years after divorce. Children have such a powerful sense of belonging, linked to their own search for love. Children are also creatures of habit, as any child psychologist or parent knows, responding to routine, familiarity and disliking change.

Children were sometimes included in discussions about which parent they lived with, but the tables were often stacked by a previous decision about who was going to keep the family home. It was rare for children to be able to choose to go on living in the same place with whoever they wanted.

Moving to relatives' homes almost always resulted in overcrowding. Sometimes the whole family would be crammed into one room, with shifts for cooking or eating meals. Some mothers had returned with the children to the family home to find everything gone: in one case all the furniture, in another the toys, or all the plants in the garden.

One in four had moved home three or four times. One girl had moved at least six times with her mother and ten times with her father. She was very sad she had never managed to stay long enough to make any friends. Schooling had been severely disrupted. 

Children have to grow up and "Make Do" The children often landed up with adult responsibilities, "covering" for an absent parent. Cooking, washing up, laundry, maintenance, babysitting, gardening, decorating, shopping. They grew up prematurely because they had to.

Poverty was common. Maintenance disputes strained many relationships. Some women were convinced that former husbands were deliberately not getting work to avoid maintenance. One mother said every time she went to see her solicitor her ex-husband went back on the dole.

Very few talked to their children about what was going on in much detail. Children often turned to grandmothers and grandfathers for comfort because they were well known, well loved, in the situation yet out of it. They were also more available. Parents often seemed to deny that their children had many feelings about the divorce. Eight parents mentioned truancy and other behaviour problems which they felt were due to the divorce but blamed it all on the other parent.

Eight parents remembered that their children were more clinging after separation, while others said that their children were withdrawn. Some reported bed-wetting, aggressive behaviour, school problems and nightmares - although sometimes the latter had settled after separation.

Children were often very upset. They had often hidden their distress, crying alone in their rooms at night, sobbing at school, or when their parents were out. Many tried very hard to protect their parents from seeing their pain. Some children were furious with the parent they blamed for breaking up the home. Feelings of rejection were commonly felt by the children, usually by the same-sex parent.

Surprised, Embarrassed but rarely Relieved Some were surprised by the separation. Other were embarrassed with friends. Although divorce rates are rising, most marriages remain intact, eight out of ten children live with a married couple and most children don't want to be different. Therefore the fact that their parents are divorced may by hidden by them from all except their closest friends.

The only children relieved by the divorce (7 out of 111) had fathers with severe alcohol addiction, or whose behaviour was bizarre in some way. One was relieved when his mother divorced a stepfather he disliked.

Only five said that they were unhappy before their parents divorced. Only half remembered any parental conflict. They had responded in various ways: telling their parents to stop arguing, running out of the house, hiding under the bedclothes unable to sleep, or bursting into tears in the same room - which was often the most effective.

Half the children had wanted reconciliation to take place, some clinging to hope five years later. None of the children blamed themselves - this is something younger children can feel, but rarely teenagers. The worst result of separation was that they felt they did not see one parent often enough - if at all. The next worst was being shunted around from place to place, followed by shortage of money.

Access was difficult, even when arrangements worked well - and they often failed to with disagreements or parents letting each other down. When they happened, access visits were often tedious or expensive or both. Mothers often took children to the shops or a cafe. Fathers more often chose a film, football matches or swimming. Fathers more often had a car which helped.

The trouble is that there is no adequate substitute for parents and children enjoying living together in the same home, wandering in and out of each other's company in an informal and relaxed way. Some children actually scorned amounts lavished on them during visits by an estranged parent. "He tried to buy our affection". Five years after divorce, only one in ten enjoyed a warm relationship with an absent parent. Only one in four living with their mothers had stayed overnight in their father's home. No child living with a father had ever slept in a mother's new home.

Parents were often very curious about their ex-partners, gently pumping their children for information after visits, which was very hard on the children. It was difficult for adults to draw the line between interest in what the children had been doing and curiosity about the ex-partner's new life.

One child said the constant questioning had "torn her apart". Both parents were always asking about the other so she stopped seeing her father. Some children made secret visits. They would slip away after school to see mum or dad.

New relationships often resented   

New relationships were common, often leading to remarriage, although in one on fifty cases the parents did patch up their differences and come together again. There tends to be less romantic love in remarriages and more emphasis on practical and financial advantages.

As with divorce, there was little discussion with the children. It was usually assumed that the children would just accept a new partner in their parent's bed. In practice their feelings ranged from warm love to strong resentment. One in four never accepted the new partner.

Teenagers were more likely to resent new relationships than younger children. In almost every case first names were used rather than "mum" or "dad". Only five out of 111 came to see the new person as a parent - in every case it was where divorce had happened at a very young age so there were few memories. Attitudes to a step-parent's own children were closely related to feelings about the step-parent, again ranging from affection to hostility.

In summary, the Edinburgh research shows us "parents can change partners, but children cannot change their parents although they can gain extra ones." Both the studies highlight the terrible price paid by the broken generation, coping as children with the sexual chaos of their parents.

Essential Read

This 275 page free online book on relationships, dating, marriage, children, child welfare, family life, singles, the sexual revolution, cohabitation, by Dr Patrick Dixon,

The Rising Price of Love